I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
