I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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