Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
