Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
