you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
