If that was your dad, he is hot
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
