i already hear my dad disowning me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
