Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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