VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
