We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
this hospital has no fireball
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
