I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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