Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
