I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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