All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying