we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.