bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
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soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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