Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
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nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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