I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
