I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
