I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
