I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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