i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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