and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
