I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
