I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I supernannyed him into submission
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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