Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
