Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
