Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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