The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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