god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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