New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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