just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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