Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
