Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
