you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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