Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
