watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
