Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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