you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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