PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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