i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
