I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
When are your genitals available?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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