I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
