So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
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What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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