The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok