I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.