He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?