You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
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Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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