Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
