Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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