Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
