He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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