Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
