I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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