We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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