Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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