I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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