you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
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